kill gandhi
Fck, i'm back to square one.
I wanted to join one of the maoist outfits: to change the world and, more importantly, to kill some assholes and their kids. it is actually fun when you have a reason to do that. but something happened in the middle, when i mellowed down to a kitten - no violence and no no to killing. i even started switching off the fan in my office lift. beat that.
it all started about a week back. friends, booze and weed can cause destruction, at least to your mind. we were drinking and smoking and music became the subject. i sent a message to my formerly broken but now pretty rich brother to buy me an i pod to which he readily agreed.
when i thought about the `material' things i want in my life, i found out i need an i pod, a laptop, a digital camera and a cruiser bike (not in the true sense of the term, but a good old bullet would do). the last one did me in. i wanted the bike to go for long rides. i love long rides, going from point A to wherever as long as i dont have a time limit as to when to reach and when to come back. all i need is booze or weed or both.
in my delirious trip, i started to think of the rides i can take, the places i should be visiting and the work i should be doing. it was a wonderful trip till realisation hit me that i am not doing any of these things. i realised that i cant even dream about these things in the present scenario. i realised that i dont have the money or time to do that. i realised what all i have to do the next day.
i started to hate that. then i started to hate everything that i have been doing all these while: my job, my routine and my inability to do things i want to do. fck.
now i think i dont fckin care about those who rot to death in poverty. neither do i care about ``the social injustice meted out to the downtrodden section of the society.'' because i cant go to Amazon or cambodia or the northeastern states, not even coorg. shit.
these thoughts started to haunt me. i mean seriously haunt me so much that i started to smoke daily again. i will trip on the day that i go to the outer space. then i get up in the morning and be aware that i'm lying in a pool of sweat because i'm still in this shit pool.
i dont wana/cannot work now. i hate everything about work. all i do is to come here, do the very basic thing that i'm supposed to be doing and get home early and smoke and drink.
i want to move out of here, make some money so that i can get the damn bike. i hope it will solve my problems. because, it all started with that stupid bike..
I wanted to join one of the maoist outfits: to change the world and, more importantly, to kill some assholes and their kids. it is actually fun when you have a reason to do that. but something happened in the middle, when i mellowed down to a kitten - no violence and no no to killing. i even started switching off the fan in my office lift. beat that.
it all started about a week back. friends, booze and weed can cause destruction, at least to your mind. we were drinking and smoking and music became the subject. i sent a message to my formerly broken but now pretty rich brother to buy me an i pod to which he readily agreed.
when i thought about the `material' things i want in my life, i found out i need an i pod, a laptop, a digital camera and a cruiser bike (not in the true sense of the term, but a good old bullet would do). the last one did me in. i wanted the bike to go for long rides. i love long rides, going from point A to wherever as long as i dont have a time limit as to when to reach and when to come back. all i need is booze or weed or both.
in my delirious trip, i started to think of the rides i can take, the places i should be visiting and the work i should be doing. it was a wonderful trip till realisation hit me that i am not doing any of these things. i realised that i cant even dream about these things in the present scenario. i realised that i dont have the money or time to do that. i realised what all i have to do the next day.
i started to hate that. then i started to hate everything that i have been doing all these while: my job, my routine and my inability to do things i want to do. fck.
now i think i dont fckin care about those who rot to death in poverty. neither do i care about ``the social injustice meted out to the downtrodden section of the society.'' because i cant go to Amazon or cambodia or the northeastern states, not even coorg. shit.
these thoughts started to haunt me. i mean seriously haunt me so much that i started to smoke daily again. i will trip on the day that i go to the outer space. then i get up in the morning and be aware that i'm lying in a pool of sweat because i'm still in this shit pool.
i dont wana/cannot work now. i hate everything about work. all i do is to come here, do the very basic thing that i'm supposed to be doing and get home early and smoke and drink.
i want to move out of here, make some money so that i can get the damn bike. i hope it will solve my problems. because, it all started with that stupid bike..
posted by greyMatter at 11:07 AM
4 Comments:
it's this cycle. sometimes to get thro all the shit that work is, ya tell yourself that its a means to an end (travel, isolation, books, saving three fourths of humanity, making movie, whatever) but then you get caught up with work itself that after a point it saps you of any energy to keep focused on the end. and then you're trapped.
i'm always scared that by the time work is done with me, i'll forget who i am, what i wanted and why the hell i'm doing this. and just be content to do whatever it is i'm doing. i can't normally tell one day from the other
"Who's the one to blame for this strain in my vocal chords?
Who can pen a hateful threat but can't hold a sword?
It's the same who complain about the global war,
But can't overthrow the local joker that they voted for"
- Sage Francis
all the world's a shitpot...
get to work man.
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